Anxiety

Have you ever felt your heart pounding in your chest so hard you can almost feel it trying to come out? Have you ever had uncontrollable vibrations all over your body? To an extend where your leg starts twitching uncontrollably. This my friends is called anxiety. Weather a little or a lot it remains within you. Deep down there is a fear of the unknown I can’t control. Searching within me answers I don’t even understand. All I hear is the silence within my soul. It tries to scream and wake me up from the nothingness I have become. At times i dread the sound of my heartbeat accelerating slowly but surely. It clearly has no good intentions. Awakening every breathing inch of my body. Traveling through my veins like a roller coaster going hundreds of miles per hour. It is steadily unsteady. She, anxiety controls me. I have tried everything and anything. Yoga, breathing, reading, music, hot baths, running, hiking, being in the outdoors. I have even gone agains my will and tried the medical route. Medicine only made it numb. I didn’t need any more numbness than i already had. It got worse. I began to fall asleep at work as a side effect of the medications. I was suppose to take them before bed time. Little did i know my body rejected them. Like a Christian rejects solicitors at his front door on a Saturday morning.

I wonder how everyone else does it. How is it that life can be so simple on a day to day bases for everyone. At least it seems that way. Weather truthful or not it is a very good attempt to faking it. I could never fake something I don’t feel. I couldn’t smile if within me tears are struggling to stay inside. The lump in my throat grows bigger and bigger. To the point where I can’t even swallow anymore. The only way i can breath is if i let go of my wall and let the rivers flow down my cheeks. I have heard about depression. I also read a lot about it. My doctor prescribed some more medication that once again just made me numb. Numb to emotions, numb to sex, numb to happiness, numb to life. I don’t know what’s worse, feeling or not feeling?

Searching within my writing. Reading within my words I study my chain of thoughts. Looking around for clues as if my issues where an unsolved mystery. Even my husband notices my moods. At least I think he notices because he’s always asking: “What’s wrong?” There isn’t an explanation to emptiness. There isn’t a story behind the scenes. I can’t explain what I don’t understand.

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A man’s perspective

It must be so hard being a husband. I could never imagine coming home to a cooked meal. Clean clothes. Fed dogs. Even next days lunch box ready to go. Though we both work strenuous hours and days I know my woman duties need to be fulfilled no matter what. According to his chain of thought of course. I always grew up with the believe that men, once married, would be partners in a team. However, i have had to learn the hard way. Ladies, it’s all a lie! All the princess movies, all the romance novels, all of it… A fake reality. A misconstrued misconception.

I can’t blame them either. It is our fault. When I say “our fault” I mean it is the woman’s fault men are the way they are. From the moment they are born they are being breastfed and that never seems to stop when they are married. Their mother’s protect them to an extend only a mother could ever comprehend. I don’t blame them. After all, it is her son. Mother’s always worry about their cubs. Are they fed? Do they have warm clothes? Are they taken care of? Is there anything I can do for him?

This behavior is installed and engraved in our minds. Women are taught not only to go above and beyond but also, have the priorities straight before they come a priority. I guess it is within our nature to care. We care for our barbies, our brothers and sisters, our parents, friends, anyone who is important to us we care for. So we grow up caring and taking care of others. I always believed that caring for others would make others not only care for you, but take care of you as well.

I’m not complaining, don’t get me wrong. All I’m saying is, I thought marriage was different than what it really is. There are times where he helps. However, it would be nice if instead of “there are times where he helps” it was “he helps all the time”. Just as they appreciate their time off from work. Woman appreciate their times off as well. The only difference is that they don’t wake up on a Saturday morning thinking about what will they make for breakfast. Nevertheless do they ever stop to wonder that the bathtub needs a scrub. It is the simple daily tasks that only women think ahead of time. Waking up to check your phone notifications and taking your morning poop for a whopping thirty minutes must be very soothing and relaxing. Meanwhile, here I find myself in the kitchen making pancakes and drinking a cold cup of coffee because i have yet to even taste it in between morning dishes and the breakfast meal.

Another one of my favorite scenarios will always be when they say: “Hunny, what can I help you with?” Nice gesture! However, there is nothing you can help with because everything has been done already. Thanks for asking. You may keep playing your PS4 or stay engaged in your garage adventures. It seems nifty how i accomplish numerous tasks while he only accomplishes one. Then, if I dare to bring up the fact that he only picked up the dogs poop while i cleaned the bathrooms, did the dishes, and started the laundry, he has the audacity to say that there is no way of pleasing a woman.

I hate doing everything basically by myself. Just because you took care of the garage (A.K.A) your man cave, does not mean that you help out in the house. I get frustrated and i try to have a respectful conversation about it. It only gets me nowhere. All i get is: “You treat me like a child that doesn’t do his chores”.

Now that I am deploying for a year I can only wonder how in the world he will manage to do everything I always do by himself. I hope my house is not falling apart while i am gone. I have a feeling he will do an in depth cleaning the day before I come back and that will be it. I don’t think he will ever understand the amount of anxiety and stress that being a soldier plus a wife equals to. This deployment might make him more independent and self aware of taking assistance for granted. Hopefully he learns how to cook. It would be nice to have him cook for me something other than spaghetti. I am sure he will enjoy his time off from me. I also know he will only miss the comfort of having everything being taken care of for him.

Confucius 

It’s not a game. Life, is a continuation of emotions flowing throughout the clouds above our heads. It seems unreasonable to us from time to time. Yet, we lack to understand the reasoning behind the instants we can’t take back.

Regret drains us to the worst of our pains. It makes us feel incompetent and dries all of our hopes. Fear is always testing our limits. It is always there reminding us that at any given moment it can grasp your happiness and pull it down under. There is no greater pain than regret.

Memories come and go, but the sensatios left hanging are a bittersweet taste that never leave our hearts. Looking down at my watch I see how tim passes me by. There is no way of stoping it or even slowing it down. As we grow old those around us grow older. We might think that with time things will get better. But, do they?

Life…

Full of questions and no answers.

Trick or Treat?

Never have I ever understood love. It’s a mystery unsolved. It’s unexplainable; there aren’t any words for tears and ridiculous laughter. Maybe it’s easier if I highlight what love isn’t.
Humans are complex. Every inch of their insides and outsides carries within millions of independent universe. We aren’t “just us”. There’s live within, inside and outside. When you meet somebody new your emotions take control. It all begins with physical attraction. If what you see catches your eye then you proceed to talk or stare depending on the situation.
I had been going to this new vegetarian place a block away from house. The service was good, the food was good and the prices were fair. Suddenly I begin to notice one of the employees grasped by attention. Time passes and I tell my mother about this interest of mine. Nevertheless she went up to him one day for some casual conversation. That’s when she learned the news he was single and had no children. For obvious reasons she told me what they had talked about immediately. Little by little I kept visiting the place. Until one day I just couldn’t keep myself from him. I went over to the restaurant and left a bag of lemon cookies for him. Of course I was nervous! But I just had to do it. Thanks to social media I got his number. It was through instagram were we exchanged numbers. I told him we could have some drinks and he said yes. He proceeded to ask me out on a boat day. So I gladly accepted. Everything was going well. Things were hitting off. That’s what I thought. I will never forget the way he smirked at me and said: “I told you not to fall in love”. How does he even dare to say those words? In what world does he live, because he clearly isn’t a human? I never had met someone so caring and yet so cold at once. With the same smile he flirts with you is the same smile he gives you when he states his facts.
Then the lecture begins. Not even a lecture because it was all through text message. He doesn’t have the nerve to tell me to my face what he just wrote. I would’ve slapped him and left. There isn’t an action that I find more disgusting than a man who makes a woman fall in love without the intention of loving her back. Everything happened so fast. I felt I was on a constant mental trip. Time flew by and all I could think of was to see him again. I admit I may fall too quickly. But I wouldn’t have done so if he hadn’t behaved with me as he did. With every action there’s a reaction. He acted and I reacted.
In the end all there’s left is two weeks of empty details I fell for in a silly way. I got played like a fool. I always end up being played and treated for a fool. The say “you accept the love you think you deserve” but I never said I deserved this type of love. Which as a matter of fact isn’t love. I would call it lust. Why is it men only see women as sex and not as a person?

Life’s a trip

It’s ironic to figure out you had time right when time is up. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a meaningful relationship. I’ve never understood why humans are so scared of commitment. I say humans because I speak for both men and women. Neither of the sexes wishes to settle. There are different types of stages in our lives. We begin at birth with the stage of the potato. Were we can’t do shit for ourselves. Everything must be done for us. We are clueless little aliens who just got mailed in. It must me pretty awesome to be a baby. I wonder what we know before we even know that we know. After time goes by we become children. We begin to deal with other children and begin to discover ourselves in others. This is the stage of growing up. When we reach teenage things begin to complicate a little. Hormones kick in, insecurities take over, and our attitude varies from time to time. This is the clueless stage. We have no idea were we go, or for what reason. All we do is act automatically with society. We are told what to do and we “obey”. Further on in life we become young adults. Responsibilities everywhere. Bad moods are more frequent. Self-concerns are more present. Self-checks are recurrent. We begin to feel feelings of incompetence and mediocrity. Social media let’s you know time is passing you by. This is the realization stage.
At this point in life you really aren’t certain of where you are going to end up. You may have your motivations clear enough and yet be uncertain of your decisions. This concern called fear is what screws up everything in life. We fear change. He who says the contrary is lying. Humans have the tendency to be a comfortable creature. We seek conformity and stability. If we lack any of these we feel overwhelmed. Life itself is very complicated, complex, and intense. It is a trip. We spend all our lives trying to understand our presence here. Instead, we should stop trying to label and defining everything just to give ourselves reassurance. There are certain things that should be kept unsaid and unknown. That’s the magic of life. It’s a mystery many try to solve but they should understand it has no solution. There is no solution, just like in math.
I believe life is magic. We should stop analyzing everything and everyone. Let things and people be. The world is only an insignificant part of the universe. There are broader things in life for us to waist our energy on empty relationships with people who bring nothing to our lives. This is why I understand why my relationships don’t ever work. I can’t settle for the known. I crave the unknown. Once I discover all I can achieve and get I move along seeking more. I want nothing else than to keep growing inside and outside. It isn’t a matter of commitment. It’s a matter of personal growth and self-discovery. We were born alone. That has to mean something.

Coping

A blank stare confirmed the inevitable. There she was lying in the floor. Stiff and rigid with her blank stare. Her eyes were crying out for a last struggle of breath. I couldn’t help being stoked. Tears falling down, making water drops of loss. No heart beat, no movement. All I could do was give the call. I tried to revive her with no hesitation. I couldn’t make her come back, I new. My heart began to pound faster with every breath I took. Words became mumbled nonsense my mother couldn’t understand. “What are you saying? I don’t understand.” I grabbed my purse and held her in my arms. I wanted to take her to the veterinarian; maybe they could bring her back. I got in the car faster than the speed of light.
“Luna passed away!” I went to pick my mother up from work since she requested me to do so. She got in the car and said: “Give her to me”. She couldn’t cope to see her sweet heart no longer here with us. I couldn’t stand seeing my mother with her “daughter” in her hands. We went back to the house were the rain blessed her away. There was a full moon on her behalf.
My mother went back to her job to look for her car. While she was gone I prayed for her good bye. “You never know what you have until it’s gone”. Dogs aren’t just pets. They are even more than just company. Dogs are family. Luna was a rescued Shih Tzu. She had heart problems since she was a puppy. Her heart was bigger than it was supposed to be so this made it difficult for her to breathe. We figured she had a stroke since she was constantly coughing for lack of breath.
It’s hard to say goodbye. It’s even harder when you couldn’t be there for them as they are always there for us. Maybe’s began to rise. All that came through my mind were what ifs. Letting go of a loved soul is by far the most painful emotion felt by a living thing. My Golden Retriever Roxy knew what was going on. She couldn’t stop making obvious sad sounds. Lying down next to her body with a Sad Sam face. Dogs are very smart. There’s no need to explain the obvious.
All that’s left is her trace. But in my mind she’ll be present. Never had I ever experienced life as soon as I experienced death. I’ve seen two dead bodies in my life. The first one was my father. The second one was Luna. Both left me when I left them. And I always will regret leaving them alone.