It’s not a game. Life, is a continuation of emotions flowing throughout the clouds above our heads. It seems unreasonable to us from time to time. Yet, we lack to understand the reasoning behind the instants we can’t take back.
Regret drains us to the worst of our pains. It makes us feel incompetent and dries all of our hopes. Fear is always testing our limits. It is always there reminding us that at any given moment it can grasp your happiness and pull it down under. There is no greater pain than regret.
Memories come and go, but the sensatios left hanging are a bittersweet taste that never leave our hearts. Looking down at my watch I see how tim passes me by. There is no way of stoping it or even slowing it down. As we grow old those around us grow older. We might think that with time things will get better. But, do they?
Full of questions and no answers.
Never have I ever understood love. It’s a mystery unsolved. It’s unexplainable; there aren’t any words for tears and ridiculous laughter. Maybe it’s easier if I highlight what love isn’t.
Humans are complex. Every inch of their insides and outsides carries within millions of independent universe. We aren’t “just us”. There’s live within, inside and outside. When you meet somebody new your emotions take control. It all begins with physical attraction. If what you see catches your eye then you proceed to talk or stare depending on the situation.
I had been going to this new vegetarian place a block away from house. The service was good, the food was good and the prices were fair. Suddenly I begin to notice one of the employees grasped by attention. Time passes and I tell my mother about this interest of mine. Nevertheless she went up to him one day for some casual conversation. That’s when she learned the news he was single and had no children. For obvious reasons she told me what they had talked about immediately. Little by little I kept visiting the place. Until one day I just couldn’t keep myself from him. I went over to the restaurant and left a bag of lemon cookies for him. Of course I was nervous! But I just had to do it. Thanks to social media I got his number. It was through instagram were we exchanged numbers. I told him we could have some drinks and he said yes. He proceeded to ask me out on a boat day. So I gladly accepted. Everything was going well. Things were hitting off. That’s what I thought. I will never forget the way he smirked at me and said: “I told you not to fall in love”. How does he even dare to say those words? In what world does he live, because he clearly isn’t a human? I never had met someone so caring and yet so cold at once. With the same smile he flirts with you is the same smile he gives you when he states his facts.
Then the lecture begins. Not even a lecture because it was all through text message. He doesn’t have the nerve to tell me to my face what he just wrote. I would’ve slapped him and left. There isn’t an action that I find more disgusting than a man who makes a woman fall in love without the intention of loving her back. Everything happened so fast. I felt I was on a constant mental trip. Time flew by and all I could think of was to see him again. I admit I may fall too quickly. But I wouldn’t have done so if he hadn’t behaved with me as he did. With every action there’s a reaction. He acted and I reacted.
In the end all there’s left is two weeks of empty details I fell for in a silly way. I got played like a fool. I always end up being played and treated for a fool. The say “you accept the love you think you deserve” but I never said I deserved this type of love. Which as a matter of fact isn’t love. I would call it lust. Why is it men only see women as sex and not as a person?
It’s ironic to figure out you had time right when time is up. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a meaningful relationship. I’ve never understood why humans are so scared of commitment. I say humans because I speak for both men and women. Neither of the sexes wishes to settle. There are different types of stages in our lives. We begin at birth with the stage of the potato. Were we can’t do shit for ourselves. Everything must be done for us. We are clueless little aliens who just got mailed in. It must me pretty awesome to be a baby. I wonder what we know before we even know that we know. After time goes by we become children. We begin to deal with other children and begin to discover ourselves in others. This is the stage of growing up. When we reach teenage things begin to complicate a little. Hormones kick in, insecurities take over, and our attitude varies from time to time. This is the clueless stage. We have no idea were we go, or for what reason. All we do is act automatically with society. We are told what to do and we “obey”. Further on in life we become young adults. Responsibilities everywhere. Bad moods are more frequent. Self-concerns are more present. Self-checks are recurrent. We begin to feel feelings of incompetence and mediocrity. Social media let’s you know time is passing you by. This is the realization stage.
At this point in life you really aren’t certain of where you are going to end up. You may have your motivations clear enough and yet be uncertain of your decisions. This concern called fear is what screws up everything in life. We fear change. He who says the contrary is lying. Humans have the tendency to be a comfortable creature. We seek conformity and stability. If we lack any of these we feel overwhelmed. Life itself is very complicated, complex, and intense. It is a trip. We spend all our lives trying to understand our presence here. Instead, we should stop trying to label and defining everything just to give ourselves reassurance. There are certain things that should be kept unsaid and unknown. That’s the magic of life. It’s a mystery many try to solve but they should understand it has no solution. There is no solution, just like in math.
I believe life is magic. We should stop analyzing everything and everyone. Let things and people be. The world is only an insignificant part of the universe. There are broader things in life for us to waist our energy on empty relationships with people who bring nothing to our lives. This is why I understand why my relationships don’t ever work. I can’t settle for the known. I crave the unknown. Once I discover all I can achieve and get I move along seeking more. I want nothing else than to keep growing inside and outside. It isn’t a matter of commitment. It’s a matter of personal growth and self-discovery. We were born alone. That has to mean something.
A blank stare confirmed the inevitable. There she was lying in the floor. Stiff and rigid with her blank stare. Her eyes were crying out for a last struggle of breath. I couldn’t help being stoked. Tears falling down, making water drops of loss. No heart beat, no movement. All I could do was give the call. I tried to revive her with no hesitation. I couldn’t make her come back, I new. My heart began to pound faster with every breath I took. Words became mumbled nonsense my mother couldn’t understand. “What are you saying? I don’t understand.” I grabbed my purse and held her in my arms. I wanted to take her to the veterinarian; maybe they could bring her back. I got in the car faster than the speed of light.
“Luna passed away!” I went to pick my mother up from work since she requested me to do so. She got in the car and said: “Give her to me”. She couldn’t cope to see her sweet heart no longer here with us. I couldn’t stand seeing my mother with her “daughter” in her hands. We went back to the house were the rain blessed her away. There was a full moon on her behalf.
My mother went back to her job to look for her car. While she was gone I prayed for her good bye. “You never know what you have until it’s gone”. Dogs aren’t just pets. They are even more than just company. Dogs are family. Luna was a rescued Shih Tzu. She had heart problems since she was a puppy. Her heart was bigger than it was supposed to be so this made it difficult for her to breathe. We figured she had a stroke since she was constantly coughing for lack of breath.
It’s hard to say goodbye. It’s even harder when you couldn’t be there for them as they are always there for us. Maybe’s began to rise. All that came through my mind were what ifs. Letting go of a loved soul is by far the most painful emotion felt by a living thing. My Golden Retriever Roxy knew what was going on. She couldn’t stop making obvious sad sounds. Lying down next to her body with a Sad Sam face. Dogs are very smart. There’s no need to explain the obvious.
All that’s left is her trace. But in my mind she’ll be present. Never had I ever experienced life as soon as I experienced death. I’ve seen two dead bodies in my life. The first one was my father. The second one was Luna. Both left me when I left them. And I always will regret leaving them alone.