Gloomy and deceiving comes short to all this feelings and thoughts roaming through my days. Small sense of proportion and blowing things out of proportion just to get by. Humans have little or no common sense and yet we make good sense out of it. We hurt, we lie, we manage to get out of any situation by any means possible. Little do we know this temporary exit will lead nowhere but right where it started. It’s getting irritating how no matter how hard I try to keep busy or help this situation of mine it just doesn’t seem to cut close enough. All my hard work, all my efforts seem in vane at the end of the day. I smile and go about my way hoping it all gets better tomorrow. Yet, tomorrow comes and it’s just as hard. It’s just as naïve. It is pointless. All I can do is wonder. What was I thinking? What did I do? How did I get this go so far? I can’t fix the unrepairable.
I speak fluent sarcasm and yet it gets me in more trouble than it gets me out of. I can’t bare but speak it. I don’t know any other language in times of despair. He doesn’t seem to understand or even comprehend that it’s not just him. It is now US. This word is so hard for him to swallow. Though he may deny it or ever accept it. I know deep inside of him he has never known the meaning of those two letters. I can’t blame him either. It’s not his fault how life played him dirty. It also isn’t my fault how life played me dirty. I don’t want the days to go by like this anymore. I can’t help but keep silent. I’m a firm believer that silence speaks volumes. Also, I believe he doesn’t understand my silence.
Fools, just a couple of fools playing smart. Waiting on another smart remark to get upset about. There’s a clock ticking very deep inside of us. It ticks slowly but surely. Until one day the batteries run out and the handles don’t move anymore. Until then, I will only sit and watch how time goes by. I will sit in silence hoping he understands that the world doesn’t revolve around him. It revolves around us. I’m scared that one day smiles and laughter won’t help play pretend anymore. This chess game has never reached a draw. It slowly goes after the king and patiently waits to say: “Check Mate.”
“One day at a time” or so they say. It could all be so simple and yet, it’s not. Waking up is the very first implied task of my day. I have to say it’s the easiest thing to accomplish through out my day. Usually people have pretty nice mornings.They take a nice shower and pick out an outfit for the day. They have some coffee with donuts or even eggs with some bacon while reading or watching the news. Perhaps a nice walk to the park or around the block with the dog before heading out. Finally, they’re up and about their way to work. Other people just shower and go. They get their breakfast at the drive through and with a smile begin their destination towards work. Of course you can’t avoid the traffic jam and the morning rush hours. That’s part of “the going to wotk” routine.
Mainly people have it pretty nice when it comes to playing dress up. Or this thing called life.
I miss those days were I woke up without an alarm and my only place of duty was my house.
Now my days sing to a different tune. The alarm goes off at 05:00. Sometimes it goes off at 04:30. I hurry out of bed, take a leak and brush my teeth. I put my hair up in a pony tail and secure any loose ends with a brown head band. My uniform stares at me just waiting for me to throw it on. The PT shoes always scream at me not to forget my reflective belt. Once I’m ready to roll I make my protein shake and put my lunch box in the car. I can see the stars whispering “Good Morning Sunshine”.
On my way to post I think about all the traffic I don’t participate in. I can only smile and say: “at least there’s something good about this early work call”. Formation is at 06:30 but by 06: 15 we are already forming up. We begin the warm up and stretch drills before we begin our runs or our work outs. When I come to think about it I find very gratifying the fact that I have to work out 5 days a week. Some people would never imagine doing this every day. I would have never thought I’d be working out as much as I do now.
After an hour and a half of working out we are released and expected to be back by 09:00. I walk to the car to grab my bags and my meals for the day. I head to the break room where I have some breakfast and sometimes some coffee. When I finish I take a shower in the office bathroom and get ready for another day of “One day at a time”
Then and now. .
There’s just something different about those two words .
You may think nothing will change but at the end of the day things do change whether you want them to or not. You may wonder why, without ever concluding a final answer.
You may find it difficult to absolve the difference between then and now.
Where did those then go?
Where did the now’s go?
At what point in time did I forget to start counting? In what moment did I forget to keep track of myself?
I let go. At least I like to think I do.
Bottom line it all lingers in the back of my head. Bottom line it all stays.
Though nothing makes absolute sense to me at the present moment, I try to convince myself that sooner rather than later I will one day understand.
Moments come and go.
Days go by and yet nothing.
What can be done about this passing of time? What can be done about this passing of days?
It used to be so simple back then.
Now, things are no longer simple.
Simplicity became a luxury that is way overpriced. It became just a word. An overrated idea of the state of mind to make us think some other way.
I used to enjoy silence. Yet silence itself became loud.
I couldn’t hear, and I couldn’t listen.
My ears refused to absolve any more changes.
There was too much going on.
Life was moving fast.
Too fast for me to even grasp a hold of what was happening.
Many questions were raised.
Too many I would say.
I couldn’t answer what I couldn’t understand.
I couldn’t see what I didn’t know.
Irritated became my favorite word. It described my every thought, my every feeling and my every mood. I have always said: “There’s no worst feeling compared to the feeling of uncertainty”. When we know nothing, what do we know?
My mind can jump quickly from one image to another without having a transition. That’s when I wish I could teleport to other places, other moments, other feelings. But I’m stuck in this moment and I can’t get out.
Lately things have changed. Sometimes change grabs you by the hand without a warning. It takes you away to certain places you never expect to be. It is quite a difference moving from one place to another. It is especially different when the weather is involved. I was born and raised in Puerto Rico. Were there’s summer all year long. Of course it rains from time to time but the sun always comes out to shine. The breeze blows warmly in your face and your hair gets tangled with the sunlight’s rays. The sand feels like sugar scrubbing your feet and the palm trees give you the comfort you need to sit back and read a book. I never thought I would leave the island. I mean, who would want to? There are times were you have to decide and choose what is best for you. So the time came for me to step forward and make a decision that would change my life either for better or for worse. Never have I ever lived outside of the island away from my family.
Life only happens once, so they say. I couldn’t hesitate and I bought a one-way ticket to Massachusetts, Cape Cod. I got a job offer I just couldn’t let pass by me. It was now or never and I chose now. I wouldn’t want to regret acknowledging the fact I didn’t take the chance. It’s just not in my vocabulary to wonder “What if?” I packed my bags and headed without return. I knew it would be hard, I knew I would most definitely miss my loved ones. I knew!
As soon as I went through baggage inspection my eyes began to burst in tears. Big fat water drops were falling from my eyes. I just couldn’t help it. Once I departed my new journey had begun. A new destination awaited my soul. I was ready to be stoked. I was ready to feel my most inner shell. I recall flying high above the clouds and having the privilege to see a shooting star drifting away into the darkness of the night. I knew it was a sign I had made the right decision. Even if it was a hard step to take, I knew I had done what I was supposed to do. The sun raised and my eyes captured the exact moment he decided to shine. Letting me know he was there above the clouds. The sun was ready to keep on shining another day. It was then when I knew I would shine every day like the sun. Fear is a barrier we need to cross. It limits our capacity to grow and out grow certain people or certain situations. It even interferes with our emotions.
This was not the time to grant fear the first place in this race.
Never have I ever understood love. It’s a mystery unsolved. It’s unexplainable; there aren’t any words for tears and ridiculous laughter. Maybe it’s easier if I highlight what love isn’t.
Humans are complex. Every inch of their insides and outsides carries within millions of independent universe. We aren’t “just us”. There’s live within, inside and outside. When you meet somebody new your emotions take control. It all begins with physical attraction. If what you see catches your eye then you proceed to talk or stare depending on the situation.
I had been going to this new vegetarian place a block away from house. The service was good, the food was good and the prices were fair. Suddenly I begin to notice one of the employees grasped by attention. Time passes and I tell my mother about this interest of mine. Nevertheless she went up to him one day for some casual conversation. That’s when she learned the news he was single and had no children. For obvious reasons she told me what they had talked about immediately. Little by little I kept visiting the place. Until one day I just couldn’t keep myself from him. I went over to the restaurant and left a bag of lemon cookies for him. Of course I was nervous! But I just had to do it. Thanks to social media I got his number. It was through instagram were we exchanged numbers. I told him we could have some drinks and he said yes. He proceeded to ask me out on a boat day. So I gladly accepted. Everything was going well. Things were hitting off. That’s what I thought. I will never forget the way he smirked at me and said: “I told you not to fall in love”. How does he even dare to say those words? In what world does he live, because he clearly isn’t a human? I never had met someone so caring and yet so cold at once. With the same smile he flirts with you is the same smile he gives you when he states his facts.
Then the lecture begins. Not even a lecture because it was all through text message. He doesn’t have the nerve to tell me to my face what he just wrote. I would’ve slapped him and left. There isn’t an action that I find more disgusting than a man who makes a woman fall in love without the intention of loving her back. Everything happened so fast. I felt I was on a constant mental trip. Time flew by and all I could think of was to see him again. I admit I may fall too quickly. But I wouldn’t have done so if he hadn’t behaved with me as he did. With every action there’s a reaction. He acted and I reacted.
In the end all there’s left is two weeks of empty details I fell for in a silly way. I got played like a fool. I always end up being played and treated for a fool. The say “you accept the love you think you deserve” but I never said I deserved this type of love. Which as a matter of fact isn’t love. I would call it lust. Why is it men only see women as sex and not as a person?
It’s ironic to figure out you had time right when time is up. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a meaningful relationship. I’ve never understood why humans are so scared of commitment. I say humans because I speak for both men and women. Neither of the sexes wishes to settle. There are different types of stages in our lives. We begin at birth with the stage of the potato. Were we can’t do shit for ourselves. Everything must be done for us. We are clueless little aliens who just got mailed in. It must me pretty awesome to be a baby. I wonder what we know before we even know that we know. After time goes by we become children. We begin to deal with other children and begin to discover ourselves in others. This is the stage of growing up. When we reach teenage things begin to complicate a little. Hormones kick in, insecurities take over, and our attitude varies from time to time. This is the clueless stage. We have no idea were we go, or for what reason. All we do is act automatically with society. We are told what to do and we “obey”. Further on in life we become young adults. Responsibilities everywhere. Bad moods are more frequent. Self-concerns are more present. Self-checks are recurrent. We begin to feel feelings of incompetence and mediocrity. Social media let’s you know time is passing you by. This is the realization stage.
At this point in life you really aren’t certain of where you are going to end up. You may have your motivations clear enough and yet be uncertain of your decisions. This concern called fear is what screws up everything in life. We fear change. He who says the contrary is lying. Humans have the tendency to be a comfortable creature. We seek conformity and stability. If we lack any of these we feel overwhelmed. Life itself is very complicated, complex, and intense. It is a trip. We spend all our lives trying to understand our presence here. Instead, we should stop trying to label and defining everything just to give ourselves reassurance. There are certain things that should be kept unsaid and unknown. That’s the magic of life. It’s a mystery many try to solve but they should understand it has no solution. There is no solution, just like in math.
I believe life is magic. We should stop analyzing everything and everyone. Let things and people be. The world is only an insignificant part of the universe. There are broader things in life for us to waist our energy on empty relationships with people who bring nothing to our lives. This is why I understand why my relationships don’t ever work. I can’t settle for the known. I crave the unknown. Once I discover all I can achieve and get I move along seeking more. I want nothing else than to keep growing inside and outside. It isn’t a matter of commitment. It’s a matter of personal growth and self-discovery. We were born alone. That has to mean something.
I wonder what’s worst, either her talking too much or her lack of presence in the house. Mothers tend to be uptight and worry a little too much. My mother doesn’t worry, doesn’t call or text. She is rarely ever home. When she is here, it is because her disgusting boyfriend is here as well. I’m not talking bad about her. I’m not even criticizing. I’m just pointing out some of her indistinctive characteristics that make her so unique. She isn’t a loving mother at all. For her, love is leaving you the hell alone and vise versa. The more you try to be nice to her, the more you realize you shouldn’t be nice to her. This woman who is my mother has peculiar ways in her daily life. I try to incorporate with her, but it’s just difficult or maybe impossible. There is no way to get through to her. Her ideas are stuck in her head like crazy glue. She is always making negative remarks about everything and everyone. Simple little details such as dropping a napkin on the floor is more than enough for her to begin to yell loud nonsense. As if life only makes sure she is having a rough time. There are times were I offer to make breakfast for her. She rarely says yes to anything I propose. But I don’t take it personally. At least I try not to. Every now and then I surprise her with a meal. Instead of heading to the table as soon as I invite her to eat, she immediately begins to clean or do something that gets in the way of her having her meal. Meanwhile her remarks accompany her everywhere she goes in or out of the house. I know she has been through tough times throughout her life; it’s just that she should try to make the best of every day and every moment. Rather than being a negative human being all the time. I wish she said good morning at least once. I wish she made dinner on a daily bases. I wish she were here more often and actually feel her presence. I wish she desired my attention. I wish she were nicer to me. I wish she thought of her kids and her future more than she thinks about her boyfriend and his future. It’s just so typical of her. She has never been a single mother. She has always had many men to deal with her. I wish she were more of a mother than a lover for others. I wish she took her family seriously instead of talking so much shit about them. I wished she cared enough for me to care as well. I wish she knew I don’t see her as I used to. She’s no longer this businesswoman who I looked up to. She became an every other day woman with no ambition. Her only wish is to live in a fairy tale were her prince charming finally saves her from her inner misery. I can’t be nice to her even if I wanted to. As soon as he calls or shows up she changes drastically to the point its just absurd. We live under the same roof, yet we hardly sit down to have a conversation. We never go out on dates. We just don’t get in each other’s way. They say you always want what you don’t have. Well, I guess I want a mother who cooks, who calls, who bothers me, who tells me what to do. I want a mother that loves me and tells me that I’m her beautiful daughter. Instead all I have is a bitch that cares more for her own personal affairs than her personal duties. I love my mother. Don’t get me wrong. Thanks to her I am so radically upset with family and what it stands for. She becomes a million different people from one moment to the next in just one second. She constantly yells and talks over people who are talking already. She talks with her mouth full. She has no sense of elegance with her manners. I’ve never heard her say, “I love you” to someone else who isn’t her man. I remember once asking her: “Mom, why don’t you ever say you love me?” She said: “because I’m not use to saying it.” If you’re mother isn’t used to telling you she loves you, what else can you expect from her ways?