Home Thrown 

I forgot what it was like to come home. At first everything seems so different. New buildings, and new smiles. I don’t recall half of the art work in the streets. Even the menu in the café wasn’t the same. Showing my husband my home town for the first time has always been an experience I drew in my head. Months of planing and researching. Welcome to Puerto Rico! 

Everything seems shiny under the sun. However, then comes the clouds and nothing shines anymore. As the days went by I noticed how people’s attitudes began to change. “We missed you so much, it’s so nice to have you here”. It only took a couple of days before their body language said otherwise. It makes me wonder. What is it about people that the instant we have what we’ve desired we suddenly loose interest over it?

It takes a day for someone to loose their charm. At times it only takes a couple of hours. It doesn’t matter how much time in advance I announce my arrival and plan my stay. People always want their way, at their time, and whenever they say. If I wanted someone to plan my vacation perhaps they would have payed for my plane ticket. People become so demanding of your time. As if you owed them something. 

My island is breathtaking. The beaches, the rainforest, the rivers, the mountains, the food. Everything will forever have a place in my heart. The citizens are the reason I never want to come back. Their driving skills seem like a bunch of toddlers driving go-karts. I had never wanted to punch someone so much as I did when I drove in the streets. 

Servers are rude. They don’t even try to earn their tip. They act as if they’re doing you the biggest favor ever. They have the grumpiest look. And the smartest mouth. I felt sorry for the experiences my husband had to go through. Nothing was the same. I only came to see the family. To show him around and experience what I had gone through growing up. I never thought visiting your past would slap you so hard in the face.

I leave tomorrow and I’ve never been so eager to leave somewhere. I can’t wait for the silence in the mornings. The peaceful steady timelines. The moments of serenity with my husband. The work routine without the planning of the day. I never thought I would miss my daily life. It was lovely to get away. At the same time it is a love and hate feeling. The time has come for us to keep moving. There’s nothing else for me here. I’m done coming home to be behinds people’s ass. For us to try and meet up. If someone truly missed you and wanted to see you they would come to see you without the hassle. 

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Frozen heart 

Is it everything you ever dreamed of? Are you happy? When you smile, do you do it because you feel like smiling or because of commitment? When you say ” I love you” do you mean it? Am I enough? 

All kinds of questions and concerns cloud a vague memory of what we used to be. Your constant name calling and repetitive attitude becomes monotonous in a black and white life style. There’s never enough to trying. There’s always more you can do. There’s always more I can do. There’s always more we can do. However, we stay put in a comfort zone that gets us nowhere. We go around in circles always reaching the starting point. 

I always think… “I will think positively” it seems merely imposible to keep my thoughts higher than my emotions. I find myself overdosed of deception. I try to explain but it’s never clear enough for you to understand. Trying to please you has been the undoing of myself. I lost myself in you and I can’t find me in there. 

Runing on a schedule has been by far my funeral. Alive and yet so dead inside. It doesn’t even kill me every time you ask “what’s wrong”.  I can’t pretend to smile when the fakers smile won’t come close. I never thought it would reach this point. 

We became overwhelmed with a great opportunity called “Us”. Once we achieved “Us” it all became so gray. Arguments, disagreements, disrespectful attitudes and never ending complains. Two strangers bought a future they thought they drew. The expectations of what was suppose to happen killed the theory. 

… and know, it’s not the same. 

Confucius 

It’s not a game. Life, is a continuation of emotions flowing throughout the clouds above our heads. It seems unreasonable to us from time to time. Yet, we lack to understand the reasoning behind the instants we can’t take back.

Regret drains us to the worst of our pains. It makes us feel incompetent and dries all of our hopes. Fear is always testing our limits. It is always there reminding us that at any given moment it can grasp your happiness and pull it down under. There is no greater pain than regret.

Memories come and go, but the sensatios left hanging are a bittersweet taste that never leave our hearts. Looking down at my watch I see how tim passes me by. There is no way of stoping it or even slowing it down. As we grow old those around us grow older. We might think that with time things will get better. But, do they?

Life…

Full of questions and no answers.

…Unjust

          Cornered in between walls of emotions. Cornered among people who vibe so wrong. It was such a fulfillment to have joined the greatest organization in the world. Yet, it all went quickly down the drain. I cannot begin to reconcile the second I began to lose. Loose everything I believed in and loos all hope and respect for those above me. Being miles and miles away from your loved ones the only thing you have left is work. It becomes your daily bread. Little did I know what was coming my way.

It all started in a glimpse of an eye. Then it all got out of control. I felt I had no one I could trust. I felt as if I was alone. Words couldn’t come close to all the thoughts running through my head. Should I say something? Should I seek help? Should I tell someone what I know and what I’ve been through? Who would believe me? It was me against everyone else. I was brand new fresh out of AIT and there I was. A specialist new to the unit causing commotions and inconveniences to those who “advised” me.

The only person I thought I could count on let me down. I tried to let things go but everything just kept bottling up inside me. Life as I knew it began to change. Work became a hostile environment and all I wanted to do was sleep as soon as I went to my room. I was promised the situation would be taken care of. However, it was just brushed off under the carpet as if nothing ever happened. I prayed every day and asked God to take it all away.

Time became my enemy. Months had passed by and yet no actions were taken. I got fed up and couldn’t stand being at work any longer. My leadership failed me. I didn’t feel any compassion towards the situation. I was hurt and I couldn’t heal in the presence of whom hurt me.  I asked to be moved. My request was heard but only to bite me in the a$$. The pages were flipped. The reasoning behind the conclusions differed and were detoured far from the truth. Now it’s too late and there’s no turning back. What was said, what was done, what happened couldn’t be swept away any other way than to seal the mouth of who suffered the most.

We are moving you to a new unit. We don’t know when and we don’t know where. You are leaving this place. Just like that, without any repercussions. Without any remorse. Everything I had worked so hard for. Everything I had sacrificed. My dignity, my self-respect, my reputation. Everything went down the drain. In the end, they got away with it. I was only one more piece in the board game. It’s unbelievable how everything turned out better for them and worse for me.

The Kingdom of Love

                It wasn’t necessary to keep the light on. It was the heat of the moment that sparked the room with a fog of light. In between breaths and strokes everything became one. His hands drew every detail and every inch of my body. His kisses marked my birthmarks while leaving a trail of sighs that disappeared almost instantly. With the tip of his fingers my skin became aroused and it didn’t take much effort to make my inner chicken become visible within my pores. Slowly but surely he took his time to make sure I was ready for his temple to conquer my kingdom. He defeated my army making me vulnerable and hopeless.

                As he made his way into the castle he paused with his every step. He made sure the roses were bloomed and the water was soothing for him to dive in. As he came across the entrance he didn’t hesitate to go in without announcing himself or knocking on the door. It was pitch black but his fingers eased him in. They touched the walls and made sure it was safe to go in. My castle became to tremble. I was ready to be defeated without a fight.  

His grip made sure I couldn’t leave his sight and within a blink of an eye we were suddenly in outer space. I felt how he elevated me way up high. Higher than I’ve ever been. Tossing and turning, pulling and throbbing. Every single movement became a sound I will always treasure. Ever melody became a song and every touch became a tone. Our souls were dancing in the rain as the water drops kept falling and pouring before us. Lightning and thunder stroke upon us. A storm had begun and we hadn’t even noticed. We were busy making memories. We were busy creating a palace. We were tangled in between each other. We were one and we stayed as one. A castle was born and a kingdom renewed our lives.

We called it love and love called us.  

Check Mate

Gloomy and deceiving comes short to all this feelings and thoughts roaming through my days.  Small sense of proportion and blowing things out of proportion just to get by. Humans have little or no common sense and yet we make good sense out of it. We hurt, we lie, we manage to get out of any situation by any means possible. Little do we know this temporary exit will lead nowhere but right where it started. It’s getting irritating how no matter how hard I try to keep busy or help this situation of mine it just doesn’t seem to cut close enough. All my hard work, all my efforts seem in vane at the end of the day. I smile and go about my way hoping it all gets better tomorrow. Yet, tomorrow comes and it’s just as hard. It’s just as naïve. It is pointless. All I can do is wonder. What was I thinking? What did I do? How did I get this go so far? I can’t fix the unrepairable.

I speak fluent sarcasm and yet it gets me in more trouble than it gets me out of. I can’t bare but speak it. I don’t know any other language in times of despair. He doesn’t seem to understand or even comprehend that it’s not just him. It is now US. This word is so hard for him to swallow. Though he may deny it or ever accept it. I know deep inside of him he has never known the meaning of those two letters. I can’t blame him either. It’s not his fault how life played him dirty. It also isn’t my fault how life played me dirty. I don’t want the days to go by like this anymore. I can’t help but keep silent. I’m a firm believer that silence speaks volumes. Also, I believe he doesn’t understand my silence.

Fools, just a couple of fools playing smart. Waiting on another smart remark to get upset about. There’s a clock ticking very deep inside of us. It ticks slowly but surely. Until one day the batteries run out and the handles don’t move anymore. Until then, I will only sit and watch how time goes by. I will sit in silence hoping he understands that the world doesn’t revolve around him. It revolves around us. I’m scared that one day smiles and laughter won’t help play pretend anymore. This chess game has never reached a draw. It slowly goes after the king and patiently waits to say: “Check Mate.”

Then & Now…

Then and now. .
There’s just something different about those two words .
You may think nothing will change but at the end of the day things do change whether you want them to or not. You may wonder why, without ever concluding a final answer.
You may find it difficult to absolve the difference between then and now.
Then…
Now…
What happened?
Where did those then go?
Where did the now’s go?

At what point in time did I forget to start counting? In what moment did I forget to keep track of myself?
I let go. At least I like to think I do.
Bottom line it all lingers in the back of my head. Bottom line it all stays.

Though nothing makes absolute sense to me at the present moment, I try to convince myself that sooner rather than later I will one day understand.
Moments come and go.
Days go by and yet nothing.
What can be done about this passing of time?  What can be done about this passing of days?
It used to be so simple back then.
Now, things are no longer simple.
Simplicity became a luxury that is way overpriced. It became just a word. An overrated idea of the state of mind to make us think some other way.

I used to enjoy silence. Yet silence itself became loud.
I couldn’t hear, and I couldn’t listen.
My ears refused to absolve any more changes.
There was too much going on.

Life was moving fast.
Too fast for me to even grasp a hold of what was happening.
Many questions were raised.
Too many I would say.
I couldn’t answer what I couldn’t understand.
I couldn’t see what I didn’t know.

Irritated became my favorite word. It described my every thought, my every feeling and my every mood. I have always said: “There’s no worst feeling compared to the feeling of uncertainty”. When we know nothing, what do we know?

My mind can jump quickly from one image to another without having a transition. That’s when I wish I could teleport to other places, other moments, other feelings. But I’m stuck in this moment and I can’t get out.