Cornered in between walls of emotions. Cornered among people who vibe so wrong. It was such a fulfillment to have joined the greatest organization in the world. Yet, it all went quickly down the drain. I cannot begin to reconcile the second I began to lose. Loose everything I believed in and loos all hope and respect for those above me. Being miles and miles away from your loved ones the only thing you have left is work. It becomes your daily bread. Little did I know what was coming my way.
It all started in a glimpse of an eye. Then it all got out of control. I felt I had no one I could trust. I felt as if I was alone. Words couldn’t come close to all the thoughts running through my head. Should I say something? Should I seek help? Should I tell someone what I know and what I’ve been through? Who would believe me? It was me against everyone else. I was brand new fresh out of AIT and there I was. A specialist new to the unit causing commotions and inconveniences to those who “advised” me.
The only person I thought I could count on let me down. I tried to let things go but everything just kept bottling up inside me. Life as I knew it began to change. Work became a hostile environment and all I wanted to do was sleep as soon as I went to my room. I was promised the situation would be taken care of. However, it was just brushed off under the carpet as if nothing ever happened. I prayed every day and asked God to take it all away.
Time became my enemy. Months had passed by and yet no actions were taken. I got fed up and couldn’t stand being at work any longer. My leadership failed me. I didn’t feel any compassion towards the situation. I was hurt and I couldn’t heal in the presence of whom hurt me. I asked to be moved. My request was heard but only to bite me in the a$$. The pages were flipped. The reasoning behind the conclusions differed and were detoured far from the truth. Now it’s too late and there’s no turning back. What was said, what was done, what happened couldn’t be swept away any other way than to seal the mouth of who suffered the most.
We are moving you to a new unit. We don’t know when and we don’t know where. You are leaving this place. Just like that, without any repercussions. Without any remorse. Everything I had worked so hard for. Everything I had sacrificed. My dignity, my self-respect, my reputation. Everything went down the drain. In the end, they got away with it. I was only one more piece in the board game. It’s unbelievable how everything turned out better for them and worse for me.
It wasn’t necessary to keep the light on. It was the heat of the moment that sparked the room with a fog of light. In between breaths and strokes everything became one. His hands drew every detail and every inch of my body. His kisses marked my birthmarks while leaving a trail of sighs that disappeared almost instantly. With the tip of his fingers my skin became aroused and it didn’t take much effort to make my inner chicken become visible within my pores. Slowly but surely he took his time to make sure I was ready for his temple to conquer my kingdom. He defeated my army making me vulnerable and hopeless.
As he made his way into the castle he paused with his every step. He made sure the roses were bloomed and the water was soothing for him to dive in. As he came across the entrance he didn’t hesitate to go in without announcing himself or knocking on the door. It was pitch black but his fingers eased him in. They touched the walls and made sure it was safe to go in. My castle became to tremble. I was ready to be defeated without a fight.
His grip made sure I couldn’t leave his sight and within a blink of an eye we were suddenly in outer space. I felt how he elevated me way up high. Higher than I’ve ever been. Tossing and turning, pulling and throbbing. Every single movement became a sound I will always treasure. Ever melody became a song and every touch became a tone. Our souls were dancing in the rain as the water drops kept falling and pouring before us. Lightning and thunder stroke upon us. A storm had begun and we hadn’t even noticed. We were busy making memories. We were busy creating a palace. We were tangled in between each other. We were one and we stayed as one. A castle was born and a kingdom renewed our lives.
We called it love and love called us.
Gloomy and deceiving comes short to all this feelings and thoughts roaming through my days. Small sense of proportion and blowing things out of proportion just to get by. Humans have little or no common sense and yet we make good sense out of it. We hurt, we lie, we manage to get out of any situation by any means possible. Little do we know this temporary exit will lead nowhere but right where it started. It’s getting irritating how no matter how hard I try to keep busy or help this situation of mine it just doesn’t seem to cut close enough. All my hard work, all my efforts seem in vane at the end of the day. I smile and go about my way hoping it all gets better tomorrow. Yet, tomorrow comes and it’s just as hard. It’s just as naïve. It is pointless. All I can do is wonder. What was I thinking? What did I do? How did I get this go so far? I can’t fix the unrepairable.
I speak fluent sarcasm and yet it gets me in more trouble than it gets me out of. I can’t bare but speak it. I don’t know any other language in times of despair. He doesn’t seem to understand or even comprehend that it’s not just him. It is now US. This word is so hard for him to swallow. Though he may deny it or ever accept it. I know deep inside of him he has never known the meaning of those two letters. I can’t blame him either. It’s not his fault how life played him dirty. It also isn’t my fault how life played me dirty. I don’t want the days to go by like this anymore. I can’t help but keep silent. I’m a firm believer that silence speaks volumes. Also, I believe he doesn’t understand my silence.
Fools, just a couple of fools playing smart. Waiting on another smart remark to get upset about. There’s a clock ticking very deep inside of us. It ticks slowly but surely. Until one day the batteries run out and the handles don’t move anymore. Until then, I will only sit and watch how time goes by. I will sit in silence hoping he understands that the world doesn’t revolve around him. It revolves around us. I’m scared that one day smiles and laughter won’t help play pretend anymore. This chess game has never reached a draw. It slowly goes after the king and patiently waits to say: “Check Mate.”
“One day at a time” or so they say. It could all be so simple and yet, it’s not. Waking up is the very first implied task of my day. I have to say it’s the easiest thing to accomplish through out my day. Usually people have pretty nice mornings.They take a nice shower and pick out an outfit for the day. They have some coffee with donuts or even eggs with some bacon while reading or watching the news. Perhaps a nice walk to the park or around the block with the dog before heading out. Finally, they’re up and about their way to work. Other people just shower and go. They get their breakfast at the drive through and with a smile begin their destination towards work. Of course you can’t avoid the traffic jam and the morning rush hours. That’s part of “the going to wotk” routine.
Mainly people have it pretty nice when it comes to playing dress up. Or this thing called life.
I miss those days were I woke up without an alarm and my only place of duty was my house.
Now my days sing to a different tune. The alarm goes off at 05:00. Sometimes it goes off at 04:30. I hurry out of bed, take a leak and brush my teeth. I put my hair up in a pony tail and secure any loose ends with a brown head band. My uniform stares at me just waiting for me to throw it on. The PT shoes always scream at me not to forget my reflective belt. Once I’m ready to roll I make my protein shake and put my lunch box in the car. I can see the stars whispering “Good Morning Sunshine”.
On my way to post I think about all the traffic I don’t participate in. I can only smile and say: “at least there’s something good about this early work call”. Formation is at 06:30 but by 06: 15 we are already forming up. We begin the warm up and stretch drills before we begin our runs or our work outs. When I come to think about it I find very gratifying the fact that I have to work out 5 days a week. Some people would never imagine doing this every day. I would have never thought I’d be working out as much as I do now.
After an hour and a half of working out we are released and expected to be back by 09:00. I walk to the car to grab my bags and my meals for the day. I head to the break room where I have some breakfast and sometimes some coffee. When I finish I take a shower in the office bathroom and get ready for another day of “One day at a time”
Never have I ever understood love. It’s a mystery unsolved. It’s unexplainable; there aren’t any words for tears and ridiculous laughter. Maybe it’s easier if I highlight what love isn’t.
Humans are complex. Every inch of their insides and outsides carries within millions of independent universe. We aren’t “just us”. There’s live within, inside and outside. When you meet somebody new your emotions take control. It all begins with physical attraction. If what you see catches your eye then you proceed to talk or stare depending on the situation.
I had been going to this new vegetarian place a block away from house. The service was good, the food was good and the prices were fair. Suddenly I begin to notice one of the employees grasped by attention. Time passes and I tell my mother about this interest of mine. Nevertheless she went up to him one day for some casual conversation. That’s when she learned the news he was single and had no children. For obvious reasons she told me what they had talked about immediately. Little by little I kept visiting the place. Until one day I just couldn’t keep myself from him. I went over to the restaurant and left a bag of lemon cookies for him. Of course I was nervous! But I just had to do it. Thanks to social media I got his number. It was through instagram were we exchanged numbers. I told him we could have some drinks and he said yes. He proceeded to ask me out on a boat day. So I gladly accepted. Everything was going well. Things were hitting off. That’s what I thought. I will never forget the way he smirked at me and said: “I told you not to fall in love”. How does he even dare to say those words? In what world does he live, because he clearly isn’t a human? I never had met someone so caring and yet so cold at once. With the same smile he flirts with you is the same smile he gives you when he states his facts.
Then the lecture begins. Not even a lecture because it was all through text message. He doesn’t have the nerve to tell me to my face what he just wrote. I would’ve slapped him and left. There isn’t an action that I find more disgusting than a man who makes a woman fall in love without the intention of loving her back. Everything happened so fast. I felt I was on a constant mental trip. Time flew by and all I could think of was to see him again. I admit I may fall too quickly. But I wouldn’t have done so if he hadn’t behaved with me as he did. With every action there’s a reaction. He acted and I reacted.
In the end all there’s left is two weeks of empty details I fell for in a silly way. I got played like a fool. I always end up being played and treated for a fool. The say “you accept the love you think you deserve” but I never said I deserved this type of love. Which as a matter of fact isn’t love. I would call it lust. Why is it men only see women as sex and not as a person?