Have you ever felt your heart pounding in your chest so hard you can almost feel it trying to come out? Have you ever had uncontrollable vibrations all over your body? To an extend where your leg starts twitching uncontrollably. This my friends is called anxiety. Weather a little or a lot it remains within you. Deep down there is a fear of the unknown I can’t control. Searching within me answers I don’t even understand. All I hear is the silence within my soul. It tries to scream and wake me up from the nothingness I have become. At times i dread the sound of my heartbeat accelerating slowly but surely. It clearly has no good intentions. Awakening every breathing inch of my body. Traveling through my veins like a roller coaster going hundreds of miles per hour. It is steadily unsteady. She, anxiety controls me. I have tried everything and anything. Yoga, breathing, reading, music, hot baths, running, hiking, being in the outdoors. I have even gone agains my will and tried the medical route. Medicine only made it numb. I didn’t need any more numbness than i already had. It got worse. I began to fall asleep at work as a side effect of the medications. I was suppose to take them before bed time. Little did i know my body rejected them. Like a Christian rejects solicitors at his front door on a Saturday morning.
I wonder how everyone else does it. How is it that life can be so simple on a day to day bases for everyone. At least it seems that way. Weather truthful or not it is a very good attempt to faking it. I could never fake something I don’t feel. I couldn’t smile if within me tears are struggling to stay inside. The lump in my throat grows bigger and bigger. To the point where I can’t even swallow anymore. The only way i can breath is if i let go of my wall and let the rivers flow down my cheeks. I have heard about depression. I also read a lot about it. My doctor prescribed some more medication that once again just made me numb. Numb to emotions, numb to sex, numb to happiness, numb to life. I don’t know what’s worse, feeling or not feeling?
Searching within my writing. Reading within my words I study my chain of thoughts. Looking around for clues as if my issues where an unsolved mystery. Even my husband notices my moods. At least I think he notices because he’s always asking: “What’s wrong?” There isn’t an explanation to emptiness. There isn’t a story behind the scenes. I can’t explain what I don’t understand.
Is it everything you ever dreamed of? Are you happy? When you smile, do you do it because you feel like smiling or because of commitment? When you say ” I love you” do you mean it? Am I enough?
All kinds of questions and concerns cloud a vague memory of what we used to be. Your constant name calling and repetitive attitude becomes monotonous in a black and white life style. There’s never enough to trying. There’s always more you can do. There’s always more I can do. There’s always more we can do. However, we stay put in a comfort zone that gets us nowhere. We go around in circles always reaching the starting point.
I always think… “I will think positively” it seems merely imposible to keep my thoughts higher than my emotions. I find myself overdosed of deception. I try to explain but it’s never clear enough for you to understand. Trying to please you has been the undoing of myself. I lost myself in you and I can’t find me in there.
Runing on a schedule has been by far my funeral. Alive and yet so dead inside. It doesn’t even kill me every time you ask “what’s wrong”. I can’t pretend to smile when the fakers smile won’t come close. I never thought it would reach this point.
We became overwhelmed with a great opportunity called “Us”. Once we achieved “Us” it all became so gray. Arguments, disagreements, disrespectful attitudes and never ending complains. Two strangers bought a future they thought they drew. The expectations of what was suppose to happen killed the theory.
… and know, it’s not the same.
It’s not a game. Life, is a continuation of emotions flowing throughout the clouds above our heads. It seems unreasonable to us from time to time. Yet, we lack to understand the reasoning behind the instants we can’t take back.
Regret drains us to the worst of our pains. It makes us feel incompetent and dries all of our hopes. Fear is always testing our limits. It is always there reminding us that at any given moment it can grasp your happiness and pull it down under. There is no greater pain than regret.
Memories come and go, but the sensatios left hanging are a bittersweet taste that never leave our hearts. Looking down at my watch I see how tim passes me by. There is no way of stoping it or even slowing it down. As we grow old those around us grow older. We might think that with time things will get better. But, do they?
Full of questions and no answers.
Cornered in between walls of emotions. Cornered among people who vibe so wrong. It was such a fulfillment to have joined the greatest organization in the world. Yet, it all went quickly down the drain. I cannot begin to reconcile the second I began to lose. Loose everything I believed in and loos all hope and respect for those above me. Being miles and miles away from your loved ones the only thing you have left is work. It becomes your daily bread. Little did I know what was coming my way.
It all started in a glimpse of an eye. Then it all got out of control. I felt I had no one I could trust. I felt as if I was alone. Words couldn’t come close to all the thoughts running through my head. Should I say something? Should I seek help? Should I tell someone what I know and what I’ve been through? Who would believe me? It was me against everyone else. I was brand new fresh out of AIT and there I was. A specialist new to the unit causing commotions and inconveniences to those who “advised” me.
The only person I thought I could count on let me down. I tried to let things go but everything just kept bottling up inside me. Life as I knew it began to change. Work became a hostile environment and all I wanted to do was sleep as soon as I went to my room. I was promised the situation would be taken care of. However, it was just brushed off under the carpet as if nothing ever happened. I prayed every day and asked God to take it all away.
Time became my enemy. Months had passed by and yet no actions were taken. I got fed up and couldn’t stand being at work any longer. My leadership failed me. I didn’t feel any compassion towards the situation. I was hurt and I couldn’t heal in the presence of whom hurt me. I asked to be moved. My request was heard but only to bite me in the a$$. The pages were flipped. The reasoning behind the conclusions differed and were detoured far from the truth. Now it’s too late and there’s no turning back. What was said, what was done, what happened couldn’t be swept away any other way than to seal the mouth of who suffered the most.
We are moving you to a new unit. We don’t know when and we don’t know where. You are leaving this place. Just like that, without any repercussions. Without any remorse. Everything I had worked so hard for. Everything I had sacrificed. My dignity, my self-respect, my reputation. Everything went down the drain. In the end, they got away with it. I was only one more piece in the board game. It’s unbelievable how everything turned out better for them and worse for me.
It wasn’t necessary to keep the light on. It was the heat of the moment that sparked the room with a fog of light. In between breaths and strokes everything became one. His hands drew every detail and every inch of my body. His kisses marked my birthmarks while leaving a trail of sighs that disappeared almost instantly. With the tip of his fingers my skin became aroused and it didn’t take much effort to make my inner chicken become visible within my pores. Slowly but surely he took his time to make sure I was ready for his temple to conquer my kingdom. He defeated my army making me vulnerable and hopeless.
As he made his way into the castle he paused with his every step. He made sure the roses were bloomed and the water was soothing for him to dive in. As he came across the entrance he didn’t hesitate to go in without announcing himself or knocking on the door. It was pitch black but his fingers eased him in. They touched the walls and made sure it was safe to go in. My castle became to tremble. I was ready to be defeated without a fight.
His grip made sure I couldn’t leave his sight and within a blink of an eye we were suddenly in outer space. I felt how he elevated me way up high. Higher than I’ve ever been. Tossing and turning, pulling and throbbing. Every single movement became a sound I will always treasure. Ever melody became a song and every touch became a tone. Our souls were dancing in the rain as the water drops kept falling and pouring before us. Lightning and thunder stroke upon us. A storm had begun and we hadn’t even noticed. We were busy making memories. We were busy creating a palace. We were tangled in between each other. We were one and we stayed as one. A castle was born and a kingdom renewed our lives.
We called it love and love called us.
Gloomy and deceiving comes short to all this feelings and thoughts roaming through my days. Small sense of proportion and blowing things out of proportion just to get by. Humans have little or no common sense and yet we make good sense out of it. We hurt, we lie, we manage to get out of any situation by any means possible. Little do we know this temporary exit will lead nowhere but right where it started. It’s getting irritating how no matter how hard I try to keep busy or help this situation of mine it just doesn’t seem to cut close enough. All my hard work, all my efforts seem in vane at the end of the day. I smile and go about my way hoping it all gets better tomorrow. Yet, tomorrow comes and it’s just as hard. It’s just as naïve. It is pointless. All I can do is wonder. What was I thinking? What did I do? How did I get this go so far? I can’t fix the unrepairable.
I speak fluent sarcasm and yet it gets me in more trouble than it gets me out of. I can’t bare but speak it. I don’t know any other language in times of despair. He doesn’t seem to understand or even comprehend that it’s not just him. It is now US. This word is so hard for him to swallow. Though he may deny it or ever accept it. I know deep inside of him he has never known the meaning of those two letters. I can’t blame him either. It’s not his fault how life played him dirty. It also isn’t my fault how life played me dirty. I don’t want the days to go by like this anymore. I can’t help but keep silent. I’m a firm believer that silence speaks volumes. Also, I believe he doesn’t understand my silence.
Fools, just a couple of fools playing smart. Waiting on another smart remark to get upset about. There’s a clock ticking very deep inside of us. It ticks slowly but surely. Until one day the batteries run out and the handles don’t move anymore. Until then, I will only sit and watch how time goes by. I will sit in silence hoping he understands that the world doesn’t revolve around him. It revolves around us. I’m scared that one day smiles and laughter won’t help play pretend anymore. This chess game has never reached a draw. It slowly goes after the king and patiently waits to say: “Check Mate.”
“One day at a time” or so they say. It could all be so simple and yet, it’s not. Waking up is the very first implied task of my day. I have to say it’s the easiest thing to accomplish through out my day. Usually people have pretty nice mornings.They take a nice shower and pick out an outfit for the day. They have some coffee with donuts or even eggs with some bacon while reading or watching the news. Perhaps a nice walk to the park or around the block with the dog before heading out. Finally, they’re up and about their way to work. Other people just shower and go. They get their breakfast at the drive through and with a smile begin their destination towards work. Of course you can’t avoid the traffic jam and the morning rush hours. That’s part of “the going to wotk” routine.
Mainly people have it pretty nice when it comes to playing dress up. Or this thing called life.
I miss those days were I woke up without an alarm and my only place of duty was my house.
Now my days sing to a different tune. The alarm goes off at 05:00. Sometimes it goes off at 04:30. I hurry out of bed, take a leak and brush my teeth. I put my hair up in a pony tail and secure any loose ends with a brown head band. My uniform stares at me just waiting for me to throw it on. The PT shoes always scream at me not to forget my reflective belt. Once I’m ready to roll I make my protein shake and put my lunch box in the car. I can see the stars whispering “Good Morning Sunshine”.
On my way to post I think about all the traffic I don’t participate in. I can only smile and say: “at least there’s something good about this early work call”. Formation is at 06:30 but by 06: 15 we are already forming up. We begin the warm up and stretch drills before we begin our runs or our work outs. When I come to think about it I find very gratifying the fact that I have to work out 5 days a week. Some people would never imagine doing this every day. I would have never thought I’d be working out as much as I do now.
After an hour and a half of working out we are released and expected to be back by 09:00. I walk to the car to grab my bags and my meals for the day. I head to the break room where I have some breakfast and sometimes some coffee. When I finish I take a shower in the office bathroom and get ready for another day of “One day at a time”