Have you ever felt your heart pounding in your chest so hard you can almost feel it trying to come out? Have you ever had uncontrollable vibrations all over your body? To an extend where your leg starts twitching uncontrollably. This my friends is called anxiety. Weather a little or a lot it remains within you. Deep down there is a fear of the unknown I can’t control. Searching within me answers I don’t even understand. All I hear is the silence within my soul. It tries to scream and wake me up from the nothingness I have become. At times i dread the sound of my heartbeat accelerating slowly but surely. It clearly has no good intentions. Awakening every breathing inch of my body. Traveling through my veins like a roller coaster going hundreds of miles per hour. It is steadily unsteady. She, anxiety controls me. I have tried everything and anything. Yoga, breathing, reading, music, hot baths, running, hiking, being in the outdoors. I have even gone agains my will and tried the medical route. Medicine only made it numb. I didn’t need any more numbness than i already had. It got worse. I began to fall asleep at work as a side effect of the medications. I was suppose to take them before bed time. Little did i know my body rejected them. Like a Christian rejects solicitors at his front door on a Saturday morning.
I wonder how everyone else does it. How is it that life can be so simple on a day to day bases for everyone. At least it seems that way. Weather truthful or not it is a very good attempt to faking it. I could never fake something I don’t feel. I couldn’t smile if within me tears are struggling to stay inside. The lump in my throat grows bigger and bigger. To the point where I can’t even swallow anymore. The only way i can breath is if i let go of my wall and let the rivers flow down my cheeks. I have heard about depression. I also read a lot about it. My doctor prescribed some more medication that once again just made me numb. Numb to emotions, numb to sex, numb to happiness, numb to life. I don’t know what’s worse, feeling or not feeling?
Searching within my writing. Reading within my words I study my chain of thoughts. Looking around for clues as if my issues where an unsolved mystery. Even my husband notices my moods. At least I think he notices because he’s always asking: “What’s wrong?” There isn’t an explanation to emptiness. There isn’t a story behind the scenes. I can’t explain what I don’t understand.
Is it everything you ever dreamed of? Are you happy? When you smile, do you do it because you feel like smiling or because of commitment? When you say ” I love you” do you mean it? Am I enough?
All kinds of questions and concerns cloud a vague memory of what we used to be. Your constant name calling and repetitive attitude becomes monotonous in a black and white life style. There’s never enough to trying. There’s always more you can do. There’s always more I can do. There’s always more we can do. However, we stay put in a comfort zone that gets us nowhere. We go around in circles always reaching the starting point.
I always think… “I will think positively” it seems merely imposible to keep my thoughts higher than my emotions. I find myself overdosed of deception. I try to explain but it’s never clear enough for you to understand. Trying to please you has been the undoing of myself. I lost myself in you and I can’t find me in there.
Runing on a schedule has been by far my funeral. Alive and yet so dead inside. It doesn’t even kill me every time you ask “what’s wrong”. I can’t pretend to smile when the fakers smile won’t come close. I never thought it would reach this point.
We became overwhelmed with a great opportunity called “Us”. Once we achieved “Us” it all became so gray. Arguments, disagreements, disrespectful attitudes and never ending complains. Two strangers bought a future they thought they drew. The expectations of what was suppose to happen killed the theory.
… and know, it’s not the same.
Cornered in between walls of emotions. Cornered among people who vibe so wrong. It was such a fulfillment to have joined the greatest organization in the world. Yet, it all went quickly down the drain. I cannot begin to reconcile the second I began to lose. Loose everything I believed in and loos all hope and respect for those above me. Being miles and miles away from your loved ones the only thing you have left is work. It becomes your daily bread. Little did I know what was coming my way.
It all started in a glimpse of an eye. Then it all got out of control. I felt I had no one I could trust. I felt as if I was alone. Words couldn’t come close to all the thoughts running through my head. Should I say something? Should I seek help? Should I tell someone what I know and what I’ve been through? Who would believe me? It was me against everyone else. I was brand new fresh out of AIT and there I was. A specialist new to the unit causing commotions and inconveniences to those who “advised” me.
The only person I thought I could count on let me down. I tried to let things go but everything just kept bottling up inside me. Life as I knew it began to change. Work became a hostile environment and all I wanted to do was sleep as soon as I went to my room. I was promised the situation would be taken care of. However, it was just brushed off under the carpet as if nothing ever happened. I prayed every day and asked God to take it all away.
Time became my enemy. Months had passed by and yet no actions were taken. I got fed up and couldn’t stand being at work any longer. My leadership failed me. I didn’t feel any compassion towards the situation. I was hurt and I couldn’t heal in the presence of whom hurt me. I asked to be moved. My request was heard but only to bite me in the a$$. The pages were flipped. The reasoning behind the conclusions differed and were detoured far from the truth. Now it’s too late and there’s no turning back. What was said, what was done, what happened couldn’t be swept away any other way than to seal the mouth of who suffered the most.
We are moving you to a new unit. We don’t know when and we don’t know where. You are leaving this place. Just like that, without any repercussions. Without any remorse. Everything I had worked so hard for. Everything I had sacrificed. My dignity, my self-respect, my reputation. Everything went down the drain. In the end, they got away with it. I was only one more piece in the board game. It’s unbelievable how everything turned out better for them and worse for me.
Gloomy and deceiving comes short to all this feelings and thoughts roaming through my days. Small sense of proportion and blowing things out of proportion just to get by. Humans have little or no common sense and yet we make good sense out of it. We hurt, we lie, we manage to get out of any situation by any means possible. Little do we know this temporary exit will lead nowhere but right where it started. It’s getting irritating how no matter how hard I try to keep busy or help this situation of mine it just doesn’t seem to cut close enough. All my hard work, all my efforts seem in vane at the end of the day. I smile and go about my way hoping it all gets better tomorrow. Yet, tomorrow comes and it’s just as hard. It’s just as naïve. It is pointless. All I can do is wonder. What was I thinking? What did I do? How did I get this go so far? I can’t fix the unrepairable.
I speak fluent sarcasm and yet it gets me in more trouble than it gets me out of. I can’t bare but speak it. I don’t know any other language in times of despair. He doesn’t seem to understand or even comprehend that it’s not just him. It is now US. This word is so hard for him to swallow. Though he may deny it or ever accept it. I know deep inside of him he has never known the meaning of those two letters. I can’t blame him either. It’s not his fault how life played him dirty. It also isn’t my fault how life played me dirty. I don’t want the days to go by like this anymore. I can’t help but keep silent. I’m a firm believer that silence speaks volumes. Also, I believe he doesn’t understand my silence.
Fools, just a couple of fools playing smart. Waiting on another smart remark to get upset about. There’s a clock ticking very deep inside of us. It ticks slowly but surely. Until one day the batteries run out and the handles don’t move anymore. Until then, I will only sit and watch how time goes by. I will sit in silence hoping he understands that the world doesn’t revolve around him. It revolves around us. I’m scared that one day smiles and laughter won’t help play pretend anymore. This chess game has never reached a draw. It slowly goes after the king and patiently waits to say: “Check Mate.”
Then and now. .
There’s just something different about those two words .
You may think nothing will change but at the end of the day things do change whether you want them to or not. You may wonder why, without ever concluding a final answer.
You may find it difficult to absolve the difference between then and now.
Where did those then go?
Where did the now’s go?
At what point in time did I forget to start counting? In what moment did I forget to keep track of myself?
I let go. At least I like to think I do.
Bottom line it all lingers in the back of my head. Bottom line it all stays.
Though nothing makes absolute sense to me at the present moment, I try to convince myself that sooner rather than later I will one day understand.
Moments come and go.
Days go by and yet nothing.
What can be done about this passing of time? What can be done about this passing of days?
It used to be so simple back then.
Now, things are no longer simple.
Simplicity became a luxury that is way overpriced. It became just a word. An overrated idea of the state of mind to make us think some other way.
I used to enjoy silence. Yet silence itself became loud.
I couldn’t hear, and I couldn’t listen.
My ears refused to absolve any more changes.
There was too much going on.
Life was moving fast.
Too fast for me to even grasp a hold of what was happening.
Many questions were raised.
Too many I would say.
I couldn’t answer what I couldn’t understand.
I couldn’t see what I didn’t know.
Irritated became my favorite word. It described my every thought, my every feeling and my every mood. I have always said: “There’s no worst feeling compared to the feeling of uncertainty”. When we know nothing, what do we know?
My mind can jump quickly from one image to another without having a transition. That’s when I wish I could teleport to other places, other moments, other feelings. But I’m stuck in this moment and I can’t get out.
Never have I ever understood love. It’s a mystery unsolved. It’s unexplainable; there aren’t any words for tears and ridiculous laughter. Maybe it’s easier if I highlight what love isn’t.
Humans are complex. Every inch of their insides and outsides carries within millions of independent universe. We aren’t “just us”. There’s live within, inside and outside. When you meet somebody new your emotions take control. It all begins with physical attraction. If what you see catches your eye then you proceed to talk or stare depending on the situation.
I had been going to this new vegetarian place a block away from house. The service was good, the food was good and the prices were fair. Suddenly I begin to notice one of the employees grasped by attention. Time passes and I tell my mother about this interest of mine. Nevertheless she went up to him one day for some casual conversation. That’s when she learned the news he was single and had no children. For obvious reasons she told me what they had talked about immediately. Little by little I kept visiting the place. Until one day I just couldn’t keep myself from him. I went over to the restaurant and left a bag of lemon cookies for him. Of course I was nervous! But I just had to do it. Thanks to social media I got his number. It was through instagram were we exchanged numbers. I told him we could have some drinks and he said yes. He proceeded to ask me out on a boat day. So I gladly accepted. Everything was going well. Things were hitting off. That’s what I thought. I will never forget the way he smirked at me and said: “I told you not to fall in love”. How does he even dare to say those words? In what world does he live, because he clearly isn’t a human? I never had met someone so caring and yet so cold at once. With the same smile he flirts with you is the same smile he gives you when he states his facts.
Then the lecture begins. Not even a lecture because it was all through text message. He doesn’t have the nerve to tell me to my face what he just wrote. I would’ve slapped him and left. There isn’t an action that I find more disgusting than a man who makes a woman fall in love without the intention of loving her back. Everything happened so fast. I felt I was on a constant mental trip. Time flew by and all I could think of was to see him again. I admit I may fall too quickly. But I wouldn’t have done so if he hadn’t behaved with me as he did. With every action there’s a reaction. He acted and I reacted.
In the end all there’s left is two weeks of empty details I fell for in a silly way. I got played like a fool. I always end up being played and treated for a fool. The say “you accept the love you think you deserve” but I never said I deserved this type of love. Which as a matter of fact isn’t love. I would call it lust. Why is it men only see women as sex and not as a person?