Is it everything you ever dreamed of? Are you happy? When you smile, do you do it because you feel like smiling or because of commitment? When you say ” I love you” do you mean it? Am I enough?
All kinds of questions and concerns cloud a vague memory of what we used to be. Your constant name calling and repetitive attitude becomes monotonous in a black and white life style. There’s never enough to trying. There’s always more you can do. There’s always more I can do. There’s always more we can do. However, we stay put in a comfort zone that gets us nowhere. We go around in circles always reaching the starting point.
I always think… “I will think positively” it seems merely imposible to keep my thoughts higher than my emotions. I find myself overdosed of deception. I try to explain but it’s never clear enough for you to understand. Trying to please you has been the undoing of myself. I lost myself in you and I can’t find me in there.
Runing on a schedule has been by far my funeral. Alive and yet so dead inside. It doesn’t even kill me every time you ask “what’s wrong”. I can’t pretend to smile when the fakers smile won’t come close. I never thought it would reach this point.
We became overwhelmed with a great opportunity called “Us”. Once we achieved “Us” it all became so gray. Arguments, disagreements, disrespectful attitudes and never ending complains. Two strangers bought a future they thought they drew. The expectations of what was suppose to happen killed the theory.
… and know, it’s not the same.
It’s not a game. Life, is a continuation of emotions flowing throughout the clouds above our heads. It seems unreasonable to us from time to time. Yet, we lack to understand the reasoning behind the instants we can’t take back.
Regret drains us to the worst of our pains. It makes us feel incompetent and dries all of our hopes. Fear is always testing our limits. It is always there reminding us that at any given moment it can grasp your happiness and pull it down under. There is no greater pain than regret.
Memories come and go, but the sensatios left hanging are a bittersweet taste that never leave our hearts. Looking down at my watch I see how tim passes me by. There is no way of stoping it or even slowing it down. As we grow old those around us grow older. We might think that with time things will get better. But, do they?
Full of questions and no answers.
It wasn’t necessary to keep the light on. It was the heat of the moment that sparked the room with a fog of light. In between breaths and strokes everything became one. His hands drew every detail and every inch of my body. His kisses marked my birthmarks while leaving a trail of sighs that disappeared almost instantly. With the tip of his fingers my skin became aroused and it didn’t take much effort to make my inner chicken become visible within my pores. Slowly but surely he took his time to make sure I was ready for his temple to conquer my kingdom. He defeated my army making me vulnerable and hopeless.
As he made his way into the castle he paused with his every step. He made sure the roses were bloomed and the water was soothing for him to dive in. As he came across the entrance he didn’t hesitate to go in without announcing himself or knocking on the door. It was pitch black but his fingers eased him in. They touched the walls and made sure it was safe to go in. My castle became to tremble. I was ready to be defeated without a fight.
His grip made sure I couldn’t leave his sight and within a blink of an eye we were suddenly in outer space. I felt how he elevated me way up high. Higher than I’ve ever been. Tossing and turning, pulling and throbbing. Every single movement became a sound I will always treasure. Ever melody became a song and every touch became a tone. Our souls were dancing in the rain as the water drops kept falling and pouring before us. Lightning and thunder stroke upon us. A storm had begun and we hadn’t even noticed. We were busy making memories. We were busy creating a palace. We were tangled in between each other. We were one and we stayed as one. A castle was born and a kingdom renewed our lives.
We called it love and love called us.
Gloomy and deceiving comes short to all this feelings and thoughts roaming through my days. Small sense of proportion and blowing things out of proportion just to get by. Humans have little or no common sense and yet we make good sense out of it. We hurt, we lie, we manage to get out of any situation by any means possible. Little do we know this temporary exit will lead nowhere but right where it started. It’s getting irritating how no matter how hard I try to keep busy or help this situation of mine it just doesn’t seem to cut close enough. All my hard work, all my efforts seem in vane at the end of the day. I smile and go about my way hoping it all gets better tomorrow. Yet, tomorrow comes and it’s just as hard. It’s just as naïve. It is pointless. All I can do is wonder. What was I thinking? What did I do? How did I get this go so far? I can’t fix the unrepairable.
I speak fluent sarcasm and yet it gets me in more trouble than it gets me out of. I can’t bare but speak it. I don’t know any other language in times of despair. He doesn’t seem to understand or even comprehend that it’s not just him. It is now US. This word is so hard for him to swallow. Though he may deny it or ever accept it. I know deep inside of him he has never known the meaning of those two letters. I can’t blame him either. It’s not his fault how life played him dirty. It also isn’t my fault how life played me dirty. I don’t want the days to go by like this anymore. I can’t help but keep silent. I’m a firm believer that silence speaks volumes. Also, I believe he doesn’t understand my silence.
Fools, just a couple of fools playing smart. Waiting on another smart remark to get upset about. There’s a clock ticking very deep inside of us. It ticks slowly but surely. Until one day the batteries run out and the handles don’t move anymore. Until then, I will only sit and watch how time goes by. I will sit in silence hoping he understands that the world doesn’t revolve around him. It revolves around us. I’m scared that one day smiles and laughter won’t help play pretend anymore. This chess game has never reached a draw. It slowly goes after the king and patiently waits to say: “Check Mate.”
Never have I ever understood love. It’s a mystery unsolved. It’s unexplainable; there aren’t any words for tears and ridiculous laughter. Maybe it’s easier if I highlight what love isn’t.
Humans are complex. Every inch of their insides and outsides carries within millions of independent universe. We aren’t “just us”. There’s live within, inside and outside. When you meet somebody new your emotions take control. It all begins with physical attraction. If what you see catches your eye then you proceed to talk or stare depending on the situation.
I had been going to this new vegetarian place a block away from house. The service was good, the food was good and the prices were fair. Suddenly I begin to notice one of the employees grasped by attention. Time passes and I tell my mother about this interest of mine. Nevertheless she went up to him one day for some casual conversation. That’s when she learned the news he was single and had no children. For obvious reasons she told me what they had talked about immediately. Little by little I kept visiting the place. Until one day I just couldn’t keep myself from him. I went over to the restaurant and left a bag of lemon cookies for him. Of course I was nervous! But I just had to do it. Thanks to social media I got his number. It was through instagram were we exchanged numbers. I told him we could have some drinks and he said yes. He proceeded to ask me out on a boat day. So I gladly accepted. Everything was going well. Things were hitting off. That’s what I thought. I will never forget the way he smirked at me and said: “I told you not to fall in love”. How does he even dare to say those words? In what world does he live, because he clearly isn’t a human? I never had met someone so caring and yet so cold at once. With the same smile he flirts with you is the same smile he gives you when he states his facts.
Then the lecture begins. Not even a lecture because it was all through text message. He doesn’t have the nerve to tell me to my face what he just wrote. I would’ve slapped him and left. There isn’t an action that I find more disgusting than a man who makes a woman fall in love without the intention of loving her back. Everything happened so fast. I felt I was on a constant mental trip. Time flew by and all I could think of was to see him again. I admit I may fall too quickly. But I wouldn’t have done so if he hadn’t behaved with me as he did. With every action there’s a reaction. He acted and I reacted.
In the end all there’s left is two weeks of empty details I fell for in a silly way. I got played like a fool. I always end up being played and treated for a fool. The say “you accept the love you think you deserve” but I never said I deserved this type of love. Which as a matter of fact isn’t love. I would call it lust. Why is it men only see women as sex and not as a person?
It’s ironic to figure out you had time right when time is up. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a meaningful relationship. I’ve never understood why humans are so scared of commitment. I say humans because I speak for both men and women. Neither of the sexes wishes to settle. There are different types of stages in our lives. We begin at birth with the stage of the potato. Were we can’t do shit for ourselves. Everything must be done for us. We are clueless little aliens who just got mailed in. It must me pretty awesome to be a baby. I wonder what we know before we even know that we know. After time goes by we become children. We begin to deal with other children and begin to discover ourselves in others. This is the stage of growing up. When we reach teenage things begin to complicate a little. Hormones kick in, insecurities take over, and our attitude varies from time to time. This is the clueless stage. We have no idea were we go, or for what reason. All we do is act automatically with society. We are told what to do and we “obey”. Further on in life we become young adults. Responsibilities everywhere. Bad moods are more frequent. Self-concerns are more present. Self-checks are recurrent. We begin to feel feelings of incompetence and mediocrity. Social media let’s you know time is passing you by. This is the realization stage.
At this point in life you really aren’t certain of where you are going to end up. You may have your motivations clear enough and yet be uncertain of your decisions. This concern called fear is what screws up everything in life. We fear change. He who says the contrary is lying. Humans have the tendency to be a comfortable creature. We seek conformity and stability. If we lack any of these we feel overwhelmed. Life itself is very complicated, complex, and intense. It is a trip. We spend all our lives trying to understand our presence here. Instead, we should stop trying to label and defining everything just to give ourselves reassurance. There are certain things that should be kept unsaid and unknown. That’s the magic of life. It’s a mystery many try to solve but they should understand it has no solution. There is no solution, just like in math.
I believe life is magic. We should stop analyzing everything and everyone. Let things and people be. The world is only an insignificant part of the universe. There are broader things in life for us to waist our energy on empty relationships with people who bring nothing to our lives. This is why I understand why my relationships don’t ever work. I can’t settle for the known. I crave the unknown. Once I discover all I can achieve and get I move along seeking more. I want nothing else than to keep growing inside and outside. It isn’t a matter of commitment. It’s a matter of personal growth and self-discovery. We were born alone. That has to mean something.
I wonder what’s worst, either her talking too much or her lack of presence in the house. Mothers tend to be uptight and worry a little too much. My mother doesn’t worry, doesn’t call or text. She is rarely ever home. When she is here, it is because her disgusting boyfriend is here as well. I’m not talking bad about her. I’m not even criticizing. I’m just pointing out some of her indistinctive characteristics that make her so unique. She isn’t a loving mother at all. For her, love is leaving you the hell alone and vise versa. The more you try to be nice to her, the more you realize you shouldn’t be nice to her. This woman who is my mother has peculiar ways in her daily life. I try to incorporate with her, but it’s just difficult or maybe impossible. There is no way to get through to her. Her ideas are stuck in her head like crazy glue. She is always making negative remarks about everything and everyone. Simple little details such as dropping a napkin on the floor is more than enough for her to begin to yell loud nonsense. As if life only makes sure she is having a rough time. There are times were I offer to make breakfast for her. She rarely says yes to anything I propose. But I don’t take it personally. At least I try not to. Every now and then I surprise her with a meal. Instead of heading to the table as soon as I invite her to eat, she immediately begins to clean or do something that gets in the way of her having her meal. Meanwhile her remarks accompany her everywhere she goes in or out of the house. I know she has been through tough times throughout her life; it’s just that she should try to make the best of every day and every moment. Rather than being a negative human being all the time. I wish she said good morning at least once. I wish she made dinner on a daily bases. I wish she were here more often and actually feel her presence. I wish she desired my attention. I wish she were nicer to me. I wish she thought of her kids and her future more than she thinks about her boyfriend and his future. It’s just so typical of her. She has never been a single mother. She has always had many men to deal with her. I wish she were more of a mother than a lover for others. I wish she took her family seriously instead of talking so much shit about them. I wished she cared enough for me to care as well. I wish she knew I don’t see her as I used to. She’s no longer this businesswoman who I looked up to. She became an every other day woman with no ambition. Her only wish is to live in a fairy tale were her prince charming finally saves her from her inner misery. I can’t be nice to her even if I wanted to. As soon as he calls or shows up she changes drastically to the point its just absurd. We live under the same roof, yet we hardly sit down to have a conversation. We never go out on dates. We just don’t get in each other’s way. They say you always want what you don’t have. Well, I guess I want a mother who cooks, who calls, who bothers me, who tells me what to do. I want a mother that loves me and tells me that I’m her beautiful daughter. Instead all I have is a bitch that cares more for her own personal affairs than her personal duties. I love my mother. Don’t get me wrong. Thanks to her I am so radically upset with family and what it stands for. She becomes a million different people from one moment to the next in just one second. She constantly yells and talks over people who are talking already. She talks with her mouth full. She has no sense of elegance with her manners. I’ve never heard her say, “I love you” to someone else who isn’t her man. I remember once asking her: “Mom, why don’t you ever say you love me?” She said: “because I’m not use to saying it.” If you’re mother isn’t used to telling you she loves you, what else can you expect from her ways?