Have you ever felt your heart pounding in your chest so hard you can almost feel it trying to come out? Have you ever had uncontrollable vibrations all over your body? To an extend where your leg starts twitching uncontrollably. This my friends is called anxiety. Weather a little or a lot it remains within you. Deep down there is a fear of the unknown I can’t control. Searching within me answers I don’t even understand. All I hear is the silence within my soul. It tries to scream and wake me up from the nothingness I have become. At times i dread the sound of my heartbeat accelerating slowly but surely. It clearly has no good intentions. Awakening every breathing inch of my body. Traveling through my veins like a roller coaster going hundreds of miles per hour. It is steadily unsteady. She, anxiety controls me. I have tried everything and anything. Yoga, breathing, reading, music, hot baths, running, hiking, being in the outdoors. I have even gone agains my will and tried the medical route. Medicine only made it numb. I didn’t need any more numbness than i already had. It got worse. I began to fall asleep at work as a side effect of the medications. I was suppose to take them before bed time. Little did i know my body rejected them. Like a Christian rejects solicitors at his front door on a Saturday morning.
I wonder how everyone else does it. How is it that life can be so simple on a day to day bases for everyone. At least it seems that way. Weather truthful or not it is a very good attempt to faking it. I could never fake something I don’t feel. I couldn’t smile if within me tears are struggling to stay inside. The lump in my throat grows bigger and bigger. To the point where I can’t even swallow anymore. The only way i can breath is if i let go of my wall and let the rivers flow down my cheeks. I have heard about depression. I also read a lot about it. My doctor prescribed some more medication that once again just made me numb. Numb to emotions, numb to sex, numb to happiness, numb to life. I don’t know what’s worse, feeling or not feeling?
Searching within my writing. Reading within my words I study my chain of thoughts. Looking around for clues as if my issues where an unsolved mystery. Even my husband notices my moods. At least I think he notices because he’s always asking: “What’s wrong?” There isn’t an explanation to emptiness. There isn’t a story behind the scenes. I can’t explain what I don’t understand.