Frozen heart 

Is it everything you ever dreamed of? Are you happy? When you smile, do you do it because you feel like smiling or because of commitment? When you say ” I love you” do you mean it? Am I enough? 

All kinds of questions and concerns cloud a vague memory of what we used to be. Your constant name calling and repetitive attitude becomes monotonous in a black and white life style. There’s never enough to trying. There’s always more you can do. There’s always more I can do. There’s always more we can do. However, we stay put in a comfort zone that gets us nowhere. We go around in circles always reaching the starting point. 

I always think… “I will think positively” it seems merely imposible to keep my thoughts higher than my emotions. I find myself overdosed of deception. I try to explain but it’s never clear enough for you to understand. Trying to please you has been the undoing of myself. I lost myself in you and I can’t find me in there. 

Runing on a schedule has been by far my funeral. Alive and yet so dead inside. It doesn’t even kill me every time you ask “what’s wrong”.  I can’t pretend to smile when the fakers smile won’t come close. I never thought it would reach this point. 

We became overwhelmed with a great opportunity called “Us”. Once we achieved “Us” it all became so gray. Arguments, disagreements, disrespectful attitudes and never ending complains. Two strangers bought a future they thought they drew. The expectations of what was suppose to happen killed the theory. 

… and know, it’s not the same. 

…Unjust

          Cornered in between walls of emotions. Cornered among people who vibe so wrong. It was such a fulfillment to have joined the greatest organization in the world. Yet, it all went quickly down the drain. I cannot begin to reconcile the second I began to lose. Loose everything I believed in and loos all hope and respect for those above me. Being miles and miles away from your loved ones the only thing you have left is work. It becomes your daily bread. Little did I know what was coming my way.

It all started in a glimpse of an eye. Then it all got out of control. I felt I had no one I could trust. I felt as if I was alone. Words couldn’t come close to all the thoughts running through my head. Should I say something? Should I seek help? Should I tell someone what I know and what I’ve been through? Who would believe me? It was me against everyone else. I was brand new fresh out of AIT and there I was. A specialist new to the unit causing commotions and inconveniences to those who “advised” me.

The only person I thought I could count on let me down. I tried to let things go but everything just kept bottling up inside me. Life as I knew it began to change. Work became a hostile environment and all I wanted to do was sleep as soon as I went to my room. I was promised the situation would be taken care of. However, it was just brushed off under the carpet as if nothing ever happened. I prayed every day and asked God to take it all away.

Time became my enemy. Months had passed by and yet no actions were taken. I got fed up and couldn’t stand being at work any longer. My leadership failed me. I didn’t feel any compassion towards the situation. I was hurt and I couldn’t heal in the presence of whom hurt me.  I asked to be moved. My request was heard but only to bite me in the a$$. The pages were flipped. The reasoning behind the conclusions differed and were detoured far from the truth. Now it’s too late and there’s no turning back. What was said, what was done, what happened couldn’t be swept away any other way than to seal the mouth of who suffered the most.

We are moving you to a new unit. We don’t know when and we don’t know where. You are leaving this place. Just like that, without any repercussions. Without any remorse. Everything I had worked so hard for. Everything I had sacrificed. My dignity, my self-respect, my reputation. Everything went down the drain. In the end, they got away with it. I was only one more piece in the board game. It’s unbelievable how everything turned out better for them and worse for me.

The Kingdom of Love

                It wasn’t necessary to keep the light on. It was the heat of the moment that sparked the room with a fog of light. In between breaths and strokes everything became one. His hands drew every detail and every inch of my body. His kisses marked my birthmarks while leaving a trail of sighs that disappeared almost instantly. With the tip of his fingers my skin became aroused and it didn’t take much effort to make my inner chicken become visible within my pores. Slowly but surely he took his time to make sure I was ready for his temple to conquer my kingdom. He defeated my army making me vulnerable and hopeless.

                As he made his way into the castle he paused with his every step. He made sure the roses were bloomed and the water was soothing for him to dive in. As he came across the entrance he didn’t hesitate to go in without announcing himself or knocking on the door. It was pitch black but his fingers eased him in. They touched the walls and made sure it was safe to go in. My castle became to tremble. I was ready to be defeated without a fight.  

His grip made sure I couldn’t leave his sight and within a blink of an eye we were suddenly in outer space. I felt how he elevated me way up high. Higher than I’ve ever been. Tossing and turning, pulling and throbbing. Every single movement became a sound I will always treasure. Ever melody became a song and every touch became a tone. Our souls were dancing in the rain as the water drops kept falling and pouring before us. Lightning and thunder stroke upon us. A storm had begun and we hadn’t even noticed. We were busy making memories. We were busy creating a palace. We were tangled in between each other. We were one and we stayed as one. A castle was born and a kingdom renewed our lives.

We called it love and love called us.  

One day at a time 

“One day at a time” or so they say. It could all be so simple and yet, it’s not. Waking up is the very first implied task of my day. I have to say it’s the easiest thing to accomplish through out my day. Usually people have pretty nice mornings.They take a nice shower and pick out an outfit for the day. They have some coffee with donuts or even eggs with some bacon while reading or watching the news. Perhaps a nice walk to the park or around the block with the dog before heading out. Finally, they’re up and about their way to work. Other people just shower and go. They get their breakfast at the drive through and with a smile begin their destination towards work. Of course you can’t avoid the traffic jam and the morning rush hours. That’s part of “the going to wotk” routine. 

 Mainly people have it pretty nice when it comes to playing dress up. Or this thing called life.

I miss those days were I woke up without an alarm and my only place of duty was my house. 

Now my days sing to a different tune. The alarm goes off at 05:00. Sometimes it goes off at 04:30. I hurry out of bed, take a leak and brush my teeth. I put my hair up in a pony tail and secure any loose ends with a brown head band. My uniform stares at me just waiting for me to throw it on. The PT shoes always scream at me not to forget my reflective belt. Once I’m ready to roll I make my protein shake and put my lunch box in the car. I can see the stars whispering “Good Morning Sunshine”. 

On my way to post I think about all the traffic I don’t participate in. I can only smile and say: “at least there’s something good about this early work call”. Formation is at 06:30 but by 06: 15 we are already forming up. We begin the warm up and stretch drills before we begin our runs or our work outs. When I come to think about it I find very gratifying the fact that I have to work out 5 days a week. Some people would never imagine doing this every day. I would have never thought I’d be working out as much as I do now. 

After an hour and a half of working out we are released and expected to be back by 09:00. I walk to the car to grab my bags and my meals for the day. I head to the break room where I have some breakfast and sometimes some coffee. When I finish I take a shower in the office bathroom and get ready for another day of “One day at a time”

Then & Now…

Then and now. .
There’s just something different about those two words .
You may think nothing will change but at the end of the day things do change whether you want them to or not. You may wonder why, without ever concluding a final answer.
You may find it difficult to absolve the difference between then and now.
Then…
Now…
What happened?
Where did those then go?
Where did the now’s go?

At what point in time did I forget to start counting? In what moment did I forget to keep track of myself?
I let go. At least I like to think I do.
Bottom line it all lingers in the back of my head. Bottom line it all stays.

Though nothing makes absolute sense to me at the present moment, I try to convince myself that sooner rather than later I will one day understand.
Moments come and go.
Days go by and yet nothing.
What can be done about this passing of time?  What can be done about this passing of days?
It used to be so simple back then.
Now, things are no longer simple.
Simplicity became a luxury that is way overpriced. It became just a word. An overrated idea of the state of mind to make us think some other way.

I used to enjoy silence. Yet silence itself became loud.
I couldn’t hear, and I couldn’t listen.
My ears refused to absolve any more changes.
There was too much going on.

Life was moving fast.
Too fast for me to even grasp a hold of what was happening.
Many questions were raised.
Too many I would say.
I couldn’t answer what I couldn’t understand.
I couldn’t see what I didn’t know.

Irritated became my favorite word. It described my every thought, my every feeling and my every mood. I have always said: “There’s no worst feeling compared to the feeling of uncertainty”. When we know nothing, what do we know?

My mind can jump quickly from one image to another without having a transition. That’s when I wish I could teleport to other places, other moments, other feelings. But I’m stuck in this moment and I can’t get out.

Still missing my two older brothers

Fear of emotions

Lately things have changed. Sometimes change grabs you by the hand without a warning. It takes you away to certain places you never expect to be. It is quite a difference moving from one place to another. It is especially different when the weather is involved. I was born and raised in Puerto Rico. Were there’s summer all year long. Of course it rains from time to time but the sun always comes out to shine. The breeze blows warmly in your face and your hair gets tangled with the sunlight’s rays. The sand feels like sugar scrubbing your feet and the palm trees give you the comfort you need to sit back and read a book. I never thought I would leave the island. I mean, who would want to? There are times were you have to decide and choose what is best for you. So the time came for me to step forward and make a decision that would change my life either for better or for worse. Never have I ever lived outside of the island away from my family.
Life only happens once, so they say. I couldn’t hesitate and I bought a one-way ticket to Massachusetts, Cape Cod. I got a job offer I just couldn’t let pass by me. It was now or never and I chose now. I wouldn’t want to regret acknowledging the fact I didn’t take the chance. It’s just not in my vocabulary to wonder “What if?” I packed my bags and headed without return. I knew it would be hard, I knew I would most definitely miss my loved ones. I knew!
As soon as I went through baggage inspection my eyes began to burst in tears. Big fat water drops were falling from my eyes. I just couldn’t help it. Once I departed my new journey had begun. A new destination awaited my soul. I was ready to be stoked. I was ready to feel my most inner shell. I recall flying high above the clouds and having the privilege to see a shooting star drifting away into the darkness of the night. I knew it was a sign I had made the right decision. Even if it was a hard step to take, I knew I had done what I was supposed to do. The sun raised and my eyes captured the exact moment he decided to shine. Letting me know he was there above the clouds. The sun was ready to keep on shining another day. It was then when I knew I would shine every day like the sun. Fear is a barrier we need to cross. It limits our capacity to grow and out grow certain people or certain situations. It even interferes with our emotions.
This was not the time to grant fear the first place in this race.