Cornered in between walls of emotions. Cornered among people who vibe so wrong. It was such a fulfillment to have joined the greatest organization in the world. Yet, it all went quickly down the drain. I cannot begin to reconcile the second I began to lose. Loose everything I believed in and loos all hope and respect for those above me. Being miles and miles away from your loved ones the only thing you have left is work. It becomes your daily bread. Little did I know what was coming my way.
It all started in a glimpse of an eye. Then it all got out of control. I felt I had no one I could trust. I felt as if I was alone. Words couldn’t come close to all the thoughts running through my head. Should I say something? Should I seek help? Should I tell someone what I know and what I’ve been through? Who would believe me? It was me against everyone else. I was brand new fresh out of AIT and there I was. A specialist new to the unit causing commotions and inconveniences to those who “advised” me.
The only person I thought I could count on let me down. I tried to let things go but everything just kept bottling up inside me. Life as I knew it began to change. Work became a hostile environment and all I wanted to do was sleep as soon as I went to my room. I was promised the situation would be taken care of. However, it was just brushed off under the carpet as if nothing ever happened. I prayed every day and asked God to take it all away.
Time became my enemy. Months had passed by and yet no actions were taken. I got fed up and couldn’t stand being at work any longer. My leadership failed me. I didn’t feel any compassion towards the situation. I was hurt and I couldn’t heal in the presence of whom hurt me. I asked to be moved. My request was heard but only to bite me in the a$$. The pages were flipped. The reasoning behind the conclusions differed and were detoured far from the truth. Now it’s too late and there’s no turning back. What was said, what was done, what happened couldn’t be swept away any other way than to seal the mouth of who suffered the most.
We are moving you to a new unit. We don’t know when and we don’t know where. You are leaving this place. Just like that, without any repercussions. Without any remorse. Everything I had worked so hard for. Everything I had sacrificed. My dignity, my self-respect, my reputation. Everything went down the drain. In the end, they got away with it. I was only one more piece in the board game. It’s unbelievable how everything turned out better for them and worse for me.
Never have I ever understood love. It’s a mystery unsolved. It’s unexplainable; there aren’t any words for tears and ridiculous laughter. Maybe it’s easier if I highlight what love isn’t.
Humans are complex. Every inch of their insides and outsides carries within millions of independent universe. We aren’t “just us”. There’s live within, inside and outside. When you meet somebody new your emotions take control. It all begins with physical attraction. If what you see catches your eye then you proceed to talk or stare depending on the situation.
I had been going to this new vegetarian place a block away from house. The service was good, the food was good and the prices were fair. Suddenly I begin to notice one of the employees grasped by attention. Time passes and I tell my mother about this interest of mine. Nevertheless she went up to him one day for some casual conversation. That’s when she learned the news he was single and had no children. For obvious reasons she told me what they had talked about immediately. Little by little I kept visiting the place. Until one day I just couldn’t keep myself from him. I went over to the restaurant and left a bag of lemon cookies for him. Of course I was nervous! But I just had to do it. Thanks to social media I got his number. It was through instagram were we exchanged numbers. I told him we could have some drinks and he said yes. He proceeded to ask me out on a boat day. So I gladly accepted. Everything was going well. Things were hitting off. That’s what I thought. I will never forget the way he smirked at me and said: “I told you not to fall in love”. How does he even dare to say those words? In what world does he live, because he clearly isn’t a human? I never had met someone so caring and yet so cold at once. With the same smile he flirts with you is the same smile he gives you when he states his facts.
Then the lecture begins. Not even a lecture because it was all through text message. He doesn’t have the nerve to tell me to my face what he just wrote. I would’ve slapped him and left. There isn’t an action that I find more disgusting than a man who makes a woman fall in love without the intention of loving her back. Everything happened so fast. I felt I was on a constant mental trip. Time flew by and all I could think of was to see him again. I admit I may fall too quickly. But I wouldn’t have done so if he hadn’t behaved with me as he did. With every action there’s a reaction. He acted and I reacted.
In the end all there’s left is two weeks of empty details I fell for in a silly way. I got played like a fool. I always end up being played and treated for a fool. The say “you accept the love you think you deserve” but I never said I deserved this type of love. Which as a matter of fact isn’t love. I would call it lust. Why is it men only see women as sex and not as a person?